Anger management – Nick Kypriotis
27.07.2018 - Articles, Mental health
We all know what anger is, and we’ve all felt it: whether as a fleeting annoyance or as full-fledged rage.
Anger is a completely normal, and usually healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive, it can lead to problems — problems at work, in your personal relationships, and in the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you’re at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to help you understand and control anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is “an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage,” according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specialises in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you become angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such as a co-worker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a cancelled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. What is Anger?
Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals.
The experience of anger varies widely; how often anger occurs, how intensely it is felt, and how long it lasts are aspects that differ for each person. People also vary in how easily they become angry (their anger threshold), as well as how comfortable they are with feeling angry. Some people are always getting angry while others seldom feel angry. Some people are very aware of their anger, while others fail to recognise anger when it occurs. Some experts suggest that the average adult grows angry about once a day and annoyed or peeved about three times a day. Other anger management experts suggest that getting angry fifteen times a day is a more likely realistic average. Regardless of how often we actually experience anger, it is a common and unavoidable emotion.
Anger is a natural and mostly automatic response to pain of one form or another (physical or emotional). Anger can occur when people don’t feel well, feel rejected, feel threatened, or experience some loss. The type of pain does not matter; the important thing is that the pain experienced is unpleasant. Because anger never occurs in isolation but rather is necessarily preceded by feelings of pain, it is often characterised as a “second hand” emotion.
Pain alone is not enough to provoke anger. Anger occurs when pain is combined with some anger-triggering thought. Thoughts that can trigger anger include personal assessments, assumptions, evaluations, or interpretations of situations that make people think that someone else is attempting (consciously or not) to hurt them. In this sense, anger is a social emotion; you always have a target that your anger is directed against (even if that target is yourself). Feelings of pain, combined with anger-triggering thoughts, motivate you to take action, face threats and defend yourself by striking out against the target you think is causing you pain.
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can’t physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Releasing your angry feelings in an assertive — not aggressive — manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to have them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behaviour. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn’t allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward — on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behaviour (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticising everything, and making cynical comments haven’t learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren’t likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behaviour, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside.
As Dr Spielberger notes, “when none of these three techniques work, that’s when someone — or something — is going to get hurt.”
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal provoked by anger. You can’t dispose of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone you are to anger, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specialises in anger management, some people really are more “hot-headed” than others are; they become angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don’t show their anger in loud, spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don’t always curse and throw things around; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or become physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can’t take things in their stride, and they’re particularly furious if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: there is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we’re taught that it’s all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don’t learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good To “Let it All Hang Out?“
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.
It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.
Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay
Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won’t relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your “gut.”
Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as “relax,” “take it easy.” Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
Use imagery; visualise a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.
Practise these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you’re in a tense situation.
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colourful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you’re angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”
Be careful of words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or someone else. “This !&*%@ machine never works,” or “you’re always forgetting things” are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there’s no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won’t make you feel better, and may actually make you feel worse.
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it’s justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is “not out to get you,” you’re just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it’ll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don’t get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren’t met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, “I would like” something is healthier than saying, “I demand” or “I must have” something. When you’re unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions — such as frustration, disappointment, hurt — but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away.
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it’s a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn’t come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem is not solved right away.
Angry people tend to jump to — and act on — conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you’re in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don’t say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your “significant other” wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don’t retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.
It’s natural to get defensive when you’re criticised, but don’t fight back. Instead, listen to what’s underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don’t let your anger — or a partner’s — let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming disastrous.
“Silly humour” can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you’re at work and you think of a co-worker as a “dirtbag” or a “single-cell life form,” for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague’s desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humour can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr Deffenbacher says, is “things oughta go my way!” Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realise that maybe you are being unreasonable; you’ll also realise how unimportant the things you’re angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humour. First, don’t try to just “laugh off” your problems; rather, use humour to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don’t give in to harsh, sarcastic humour; that’s just another form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it’s often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it’s our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the “trap” you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some “personal time” scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes “nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire.” After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself
Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night — perhaps you’re tired, or distracted, or maybe it’s just habit — try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don’t turn into arguments.
Avoidance: If your child’s chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don’t make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don’t say, “well, my child should clean up the room so I won’t have to be angry!” That’s not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project — learn or map out a different route, one that’s less congested or more scenic. Or find an alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It’s true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don’t feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn’t something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can’t eliminate anger — and it wouldn’t be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can’t change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
Anger vs fear
We said above that anger is a sort of transformation of pain, a category including feelings of fear as well as physical pain. Considered physiologically (from the perspective of the body), there are a great number of common characteristics shared by anger and fear. Both emotions are characterised by similar central nervous system arousal. In large part, it is our psychological interpretation of feelings of arousal that determines whether we will feel fear, anger, or a combination of both.
Think about your own experiences with fear and anger. What does it mean when you experience that sinking feeling in your stomach, sweat on your brow and nervous palpitation of your heart? These physiological symptoms can be signs that you are afraid, angry, or both. In fact, it can be difficult to tell anger apart from fear if you discount the presence of anger-triggering thoughts. In order to determine what specific emotion you are feeling, you need to examine the contents of your thoughts. What you are thinking is the surest way to figure out whether you are primarily angry or afraid. Though very similar, the physical manifestations of anger and fear are not entirely identical. While heart rate goes up in both anger and fear, skin temperature and electrical conductance (how easily your skin conducts a mild electric current) react differently, increasing when you are angry, and decreasing when you are frightened. This is why some people say they are “hot-headed” when angry and “cold and clammy” when afraid. It is not always the case that angry people get hotter and frightened people get colder, however, so paying attention to how anger and fear affect you personally is a good idea. You’ll be able to use this sort of information to better manage your anger.
Anger can be learned
Although everyone experiences anger in response to frustrating or abusive situations, most anger is generally short-lived. No one is born with a chronic anger problem. Rather, chronic anger and aggressive response styles are learned.
There are multiple ways that people learn an aggressive angry expression style. Some people learn to be angry in childhood by copying the behaviour of angry people around them who influence others by being hostile and making threats. For instance, children growing up in a household where one parent constantly berates and belittles the other learn to berate and belittle themselves, and then often recreate this behaviour when they grow up and enter into relationships by berating and belittling their partners. Someone who has learned to act in an angry way may not realise that they have an anger problem. From their perspective, they are just acting “normally” (e.g., meaning normal for their family of origin).
Anger victims’ desire for revenge or mastery can also cause them to develop anger problems. An abused child may vow at some level to never again let him or herself be vulnerable, and start himself becoming hostile towards others on the theory that “a good offence is the best defence”. Alternatively, abused or wounded people may overgeneralise and seek revenge against an entire group of people, only some of whom may have actually harmed them. As an illustration of this revenge principle, consider the sometimes aggressive prejudiced responses that some Americans experience towards immigrants who come from countries that were once United States enemies; Japanese, and Vietnamese people, for example, or persons subscribing to the Islamic faith today.
Still another way people can learn to be aggressively hostile involves their being reinforced and rewarded for being a bully. People who bully someone once and then find others respecting or fearing them more for their aggressive actions become quite motivated to continue bullying. Bullies go on to use aggression more and more because they find that it helps raise their social status and position.
Anger is both a physiological (body) and psychological (mind) process. Because of this, anger can have a negative impact on your physical and your emotional health. This is particularly true of the relationship between anger and heart disease.
Heart Disease and High Blood Pressure
There is a direct connection between being constantly angry, competitive, and aggressive, and early heart disease. For example, recent research suggests that men who have poor anger management skills are more likely to suffer a heart attack before age 55 than their more emotionally controlled peers. A separate study indicated that older male subjects’ hostility ratings (how hostile and irritable they tend to act towards others) predicted heart disease more accurately than other known risk factors including cholesterol, alcohol intake, cigarette smoking and being overweight.
High blood pressure (hypertension), and blood pressure reactivity are also related to the expression of anger and hostility. In a research study that examined the effect of harassment and distraction on men trying to perform a mental test, only highly hostile men showed increases in blood pressure and blood flow to the muscles. Men with low scores on a hostility rating scale did not show these physiological changes. The hostile men also reported more lingering anger and irritation than did the less hostile men. In a second study, highly hostile men produced greater concentrations of stress hormones than less hostile men. The evidence of these and similar studies suggests that there is a strong link between anger and proneness to physiological hyperactivity. Angry people’s tendency to easily become aroused keeps them stressed for prolonged periods, and causes significant and cumulative damage to their bodies.
In addition to physical health costs, there are significant social and emotional costs to being angry all the time. Hostile, angry people are less likely to have healthy supportive relationships than are less hostile people. Because they are constantly angry, hostile people tend to have fewer friends. Hostile people are also more likely to be depressed, and they are more likely to become verbally and/or physically abusive towards others. Most importantly, chronic anger reduces the intimacy within personal relationships; partners and other family members tend to be more guarded and less able to relax in their interactions with hostile people.
While this may not sound like a bad fate to suffer, consider that research consistently shows that having healthy supportive relationships with family, friends, co-workers and colleagues is quite important for maintaining health. Having the social support of one’s peers helps to ward off emotional problems and serious health conditions, including heart disease. People are less likely to experience debilitating depression when they have strong social support.
A Substitute Emotion
Anger can also be a substitute emotion. By this we mean that sometimes people make themselves angry so that they don’t have to feel pain. People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain. This changing of pain into anger may be done consciously or unconsciously.
Do You Need Counselling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behaviour.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn’t only a course of action designed to “put you in touch with your feelings and express them” — that may be precisely what your problem is. With counselling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.
by Nick Kypriotis
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